I’m human and I hate it

This week is my spring break.

I have been trying to get motivated to do a lot of things- I need to clean the house and organize my room. I need to grade a ton of student essays and shop for dinners for the week.

I need to take this week off and do all of the things I’ve been putting off.

And yet here I sit, on the couch, exhausted.

It’s times like this that I am reminded of my limits. This past month has reminded me of that more than anything ever could.

We brought home a new puppy and he has filled our house with love and laughter and crazy moment after crazy moment. He is a mini Mooch and we have definitely felt some of the heaviness at having to say goodbye to our boy lessen a little.

But he is his own little man and his personality is unique and beautiful, albeit a tad overwhelming. He has never ending energy and a rambunctious and playful spirit that is all schnauzer. He eats EVERYTHING and listens to nothing. He has trained us all very quickly :).

He is just as he should be.

Which brings me to my current state.

Exhaustion.

Having Multiple Sclerosis is a bitch. I hate it. I hate that it limits me and I hate that I have to acknowledge limits. I hate that my body doesn’t do what I want and I hate that I need to put it first.

I haven’t done a very good job of learning to handle limits. I have lived with MS for almost 12 years and I still don’t get it.

I get angry and anxious and frustrated. I am terrible to live with and annoying to be around and confusing to talk to. I get furious with myself and that is no good for anyone.

The biggest thing to suffer from this exhaustion has been my writing.

Hence the reason for this blog.

I think that’s been the biggest issue I’ve been trying to fix.

Writing has always been my escape. It’s been my therapy and my muse. It’s helped me to put things into perspective and it’s helped me to understand my feelings.

When I don’t write, I don’t have that clarity.

When I don’t write, I don’t feel well.

When I don’t write, I find myself a little lost.

So I am trying to write.

It doesn’t really work like that, but maybe I need to shake things up.

Whenever I get stuck in my writing, I take time to listen to each character. I spend time with each of them individually and see what they’re thinking. I try to figure out what they want and what they need. I listen and sometimes, one of them talks louder than the others. That’s when I know they have a story to tell.

So I guess I’m listening. I’m listening and I’m not pushing. I’m relaxing and I’m playing with Misha and I’m just taking time to breathe.

I want to do more. I want to write a blog every week and a chapter every day and be the best teacher and person I can be.

But I can’t do that.

I have limits.

I have MS.

I will allow myself some time to relax.

I will listen to myself.

Hopefully, Stephanie will kick me in the behind. Hopefully, Jack will cheer me on. Hopefully, Bill will help me up. Hopefully Julie will share a donut with me. Hopefully Mike will continue to heal and show me what perseverance really is and hopefully Jade will be there with a supportive and needed word of advice. Hopefully Brittany will remind me what true courage is and hopefully, and a little superficially, Tommy will give me one of his amazing hugs. (preferably shirtless).

Hopefully Bee will make me laugh and David will make my proud. Tess will make me hope and Josie will show me a fighting spirit. Hopefully Naomi will help me succeed because she is my hero, and the twins will continue to thrive and become unique individuals with hopes and dreams.

And hopefully Tramp can show me once again that sometimes all that’s needed is an ‘urf’ and a body wag and a nice long belly rub..

I’m trying.

I thank you for sticking with me on this journey.

Now I’m going to try and take a nap.

(((hugs)))