William Kastan… “Bill”

I don’t think any character has suffered as much as Bill has in this series. I know that seems weird, seeing as how Brittany has been through horrific trauma and Tommy and Julie suffered incredible losses.

Bill’s suffering is ongoing and comes from a different place.

Bill’s story was very hard for me to write. Growing up with a loving family and parents who did everything they could for me made it hard for me to write Bill’s childhood.

It’s not like I have to experience everything my characters have gone through in order to be sincere, but Bill’s upbringing was so sad and painful and I felt like he deserved more.

That’s when I had a sort of epiphany.

It’s the same mantra I have Brittany use when she talks about her past.

One moment or a group of moments doesn’t define your whole life. We always, always have the power to make choices to change- to be happy- to move forward.

That’s what Bill did.

Introducing Bill through Julie was a calculated risk. He is one of the only characters we hadn’t met outside of a coupling. Julie had her whole story growing up and numerous flashbacks to show us who she was and is outside of Bill.

Bill didn’t get that. He existed, at first, solely as Julie’s husband.

That’s why I was okay with having him die in battle. I think I didn’t really know him well enough. I didn’t need him to survive the way I needed the other characters.

I was so wrong.

I think it’s mature of me to admit that, right? 🙂 I was wrong. I needed Bill and he needed to finally belong.

And he does.

I began to write Bill as perfect man, in a way, because that made it hard for Tommy and Jack to find fault with him. It also wasn’t going to be just anyone who could walk into that house and convince Julie’s brothers that he was worthy.

He had to be extraordinary.

Bill is extraordinary.

But he’s not perfect- far from it.

A little behind the scenes note- the following scene actually happened with my parents when they were dating. My mom’s brother grabbed the mashed potatoes and gave them to my dad…

Tommy grinned. “I suppose,” he poured some wine and looked at Bill. “Wine?”

“No thank you, I don’t drink.”

Jack and Tommy looked at him and Julie walked in and glared at them. “What did you do? What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Jack looked at Tommy. “He doesn’t drink?” he muttered to him.

Bill smiled at her. “We were just waiting for you.”

She sat down and smiled. “Great. Let’s eat,” she put some mashed potatoes on her plate and passed them to Jack. She took some chicken and handed it to Bill who took some. Tommy held the mashed potatoes and looked at Bill.

“Do you want some potatoes?”

Bill smiled. “Sure.”

Tommy scooped some mashed potatoes in his hand and reached over to put them on Bill’s plate. Julie’s mouth dropped open as she looked incredulously at her brother.

Bill smiled and took a big spoonful of potatoes and ate them. “That’s great, thanks.”

Back to Bill…

I first mentioned Bill in Nothing Matters and we saw Bill and Julie’s wedding, but only as a backdrop to Jack and Stephanie’s romance. Even when Julie first appeared after Tommy’s accident in Nothing Matters, Bill wasn’t seen.

If Only brought out mentions of Bill, but no real interactions at all. The story of the bar scene where Julie and Bill met was told in If Only when Julie talked to Brittany, but still, Bill was a mystery.

Then came Love Endures.

I kind of intended the first 3 books in the series to stand alone (somewhat). I wanted each of the 3 couples to be introduced in their own lead story, with Book 3 being Bill and Julie’s.

But still, I had trouble with Bill.

Who was he? Why did Julie love him? What made him fit in? What was he like?

This was the first time we “heard” from Bill…

It was the middle of the night and it was still 90 degrees and muggy as shit. War is hell. That’s what they say, right? Whoever ‘they’ are, it’s clear they got one part right; it’s hot as hell, and cold at the same time. Is that even possible? How can it be so scorching hot and still so terribly cold inside? Bill smiled as he pondered that. What the hell? He was becoming more creative with his thoughts; at least his wife would be proud.

“Corporal, we need you.” A voice interrupted Bill as he was trying to get a few minutes of shuteye. He was in charge, and that meant he was on call, all the time. He smiled as he got up to go see what they needed. On-call was a phrase with which he was very familiar. Having four doctors in his immediate family, he knew the phrase, but he doubted they ever faced what he did. When he walked to the scene before him, he decided at once that their job was better. At least they could help.

“Hey Dan, what’s up?” Bill walked over to one of the newer members of his regiment. Dan had been having a hard time adjusting to being there. Hell, they all were.

“Nothing, I told them not to bother you. I thought I heard something, but I was wrong. You should go back to sleep,” Dan said.

Bill was on alert and looked into the darkness of the clear sky. They were a month into the middle of a mission deep in the Iraqi desert and although things had been relatively calm, he knew it wouldn’t last. “Where did you hear something?”

“I think I’m going crazy, you know? Everything I hear I think it’s the enemy. How do you know what’s real and what isn’t?” Dan asked the tall blonde Corporal.

Bill sighed and looked at the young cadet. At 28, Bill was one of the senior soldiers and since this was his second tour, he was well versed in what the desert can do to someone. “You aren’t going crazy. This place messes with your head. Let me check it out and then we can talk.”

Dan nodded and was grateful for Bill’s kindness and his strength. For a commanding officer, Bill didn’t take any crap and he was the first on the scene of anything they came across. His word was his bond and Dan knew he was lucky to serve under someone like him. The other soldiers respected him, and that, more than anything, spoke volumes for his character.

”What is it?” Mike, his second in command, asked Bill as he saw him grab his rifle.

“Probably an animal, but Dan heard something so I’m just going to do a perimeter sweep,” Bill said.

“Then I have your back,” Mike said.

Bill nodded and took the other soldier with him. They did a sweep and heard nothing, but Bill felt like something was off. “I don’t like it. Get everyone up; we need to move.”

“Yes sir,” Mike said and turned to get the platoon ready. Bill relayed their coordinates with their base camp and got the orders where they were to go. There was a heavy insurgent presence just outside of where they were and it was entirely possible they were closer than anticipated. Bill forgot everything else and began to bark orders to his men. Before they knew what was happening, they were taking on fire.

“Fuck,” Bill said and fired back at the enemy. He looked over at Dan and Mike and motioned for them to cover him as he moved to the other men. He took a deep breath and prayed for his men before he moved. There was gunfire all around, but he made it to the other side and surveyed the scene. The men were holding their own, but he needed to get them out of there. They were becoming surrounded.

“We need to move, now,” Bill yelled and the men scrambled with expert efficiency to their posts and followed orders. It was dark and the dust from the commotion filled the air. They took their positions and returned fire as they drove through the dark deserted streets, praying they wouldn’t hit an IED or any civilians. Many insurgents were known to use women and children as shields against them and it was one of Bill’s biggest fears. They made it to their next post and Bill made sure all was well. Everyone was accounted for and his team remained intact.

“You should get some sleep. I’ll keep watch,” Mike said. “It’s been two hours and we need you fresh in the morning.”

Bill shook his head. “I’m good, thanks. You get some shuteye. I need to get ready for the morning. I need to see what I missed.”

“Let me help,” Mike said.

“You’re going to make a good father, you know. Rebecca is a lucky woman,” Bill said to his friend. Mike’s wife was expecting their first baby and since Bill had a son a few months ago, they spent many a night talking about that.

Mike smiled. “I still can’t believe we are both married. What happened to confirmed bachelorhood?”

Bill smiled at him. “Julie happened.”

Mike nodded. “I hear you.”

The next few weeks were long and grueling. Every day it seemed as if there were more insurgents and Bill and his team took on more and more fire. There had been one to many close calls and he was feeling like they were truly fighting a losing battle. He received new orders and gathered his men to go over what they needed to do. They all were quiet as the seriousness of the mission took over and they realized they were being sent into one of the most dangerous areas. Everyone was on alert and Bill did his best to reassure them. They drove down the road and for a split second Julie and David flashed in front of his eyes, and then the explosion took everything away.

That was going to be it. Bill was dead and we would spend the rest of the book learning about him and putting him to rest.

But the more I wrote about him, the more I began to know him. The more I began to love him. The more I wanted to save him.

Telling Bill’s story through Julie’s eyes was also a risk. We were still getting her side to things and there wasn’t much to Bill that came from him- his thoughts and feelings. I needed that. I needed to hear him without Julie. I needed to get to know Bill and what made him tick.

The more I began to dig, the harder his life unfolded.

One of the most difficult things I wrote was the flashback when Bill told his parents about joining the Army.

Bill came home from his summer job and was ready to talk to his parents. After graduating high school a month before, he had been thinking a lot about his future. His plan was to begin college in the fall, but there was something else he wanted to do. He had been waiting to tell his dad about his career choice and he knew there was going to be an argument. He really wanted their support; he needed it.

“William, why are you so late?” Bill’s mom asked her son as he came in and put his bag down.

“I was at work. I told you I picked up an extra shift so I could help you with the grocery bill,” Bill kissed his mother on the cheek.

“Your father is angry, so try and be nice,” she said.

When isn’t he angry? Bill thought to himself. “I kind of wanted to talk to you both about something.”

His mother shook her head. “No, you should just go to your room and leave him alone. I don’t want to upset him.”

Bill stared at his mom. “Why do you do that? How can you be in a relationship like this?”

“Don’t talk to your mother with that tone,” Bill’s father said as he walked in. “You don’t know anything about what it means to have responsibilities. You should learn a little about life before you start judging others.”

“Sorry, dad,” Bill said and crossed his arms. “Speaking of responsibility, I wanted to talk to you both about something.”

His father looked at him. “Did you get someone pregnant? I told you to keep it in your pants.”

Bill tried to keep his anger in check. “I didn’t get anyone pregnant.”

“Good, because the last thing we need is another mouth to feed,” his mom said.

Bill ran his hand through his hair, exasperated. “Can you both just listen to me for a minute?” They looked at him and he sighed. “I joined the Army.”

His mother started to cry and his dad stared at him. “Why would you do that?”

Bill sat down. “Look, they have great opportunities for advancement and they will help pay for my college education. You always say how I need to learn responsibility and become a man, and this is the best way to do that.”

“But we are in the middle of a war, William. You will get yourself killed,” his mother said.

Bill sighed, “I know you’re worried, but there is a lot I need to do before there is any chance I would be sent anywhere. I need to go through basic training and then see what happens,” he looked at his father, “What do you think?”

“I think you are an idiot. What is the purpose of doing this? How are you ever going to amount to anything?” His father yelled at him.

Bill stood up and went to leave when his father stopped him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“What do you care? If I am such a horrible disappointment to you, why do you care what happens to me?” Bill never spoke back to his father, but he was so mad.

“You will do as we said. You will go to college and get your education and find a wife and settle down. None of that can happen if you throw your life away,” his dad said.

“Why not? Why can’t I serve my country and have a wife and family who support me? How is that throwing my life away? There is nothing more important than defending our freedom and I really think I can make a difference. I feel like I was meant to do this and I was hoping to have your support,” Bill tried to appeal to them with his passion.

“Who cares if you make a difference? That doesn’t feed your family. You don’t want to end up one day needing to accept money from someone to support yourself. To be a man means to support your family and provide for them. What kind of a man will you be if you marry someone and go off and get injured and she has to take care of you? How is that what I’ve taught you? Don’t be an idiot and get this out of your mind.” His father picked up the paper, finished with the conversation.

“Stop calling me an idiot. You are assuming the worst about everything and you can’t see me for the man I am. I am not stupid and I am not an idiot. I have a lot to offer and if one day I marry someone and have children, I will be able to support them no matter what. I deserve your respect and if you can’t support me, there is nothing left for me here,” Bill felt his tears prick his eyes as he spoke to his parents.

“Respect is earned and standing here talking to your parents like this isn’t it. You are a disgrace and I don’t want to look at your face again,” he father stood up and looked at his son.

Bill shrugged. “Fine. You won’t have to,” he grabbed his bag and walked out of his house.

This flashback came in Darkness and it began to make things a little clearer. Bill had a lot to deal with and as strong and secure as he was, inside was a little boy who desperately wanted approval.

A lot of Bill’s story in the first five books centered around his love for Julie and his serious injuries after being in Iraq. Writing his recovery and his connection to the family was important and allowed me to see who Bill was as a man and a character separate from the family.

Then I decided to shake him up.

I know- he already his hands full, but still…

Making Bill Brittany’s brother was a surprise to me. It wasn’t something I had planned long before and I didn’t know exactly how it would work, but it began to come together in my mind during book 4 and then 5. I found it fitting to reveal the truth when Brittany gave birth to Naomi. So much of that time was hard and scary and in the middle was this miracle family bond.

Then I brought down the hammer.

Up until book 6, Bill’s father was known in flashbacks as an abusive asshole. He didn’t even have a name or a face.

But when I realized the extent of involvement he had in Brittany’s attack, I knew he needed to become more.

Chris arrived in book 7 in dramatic fashion.

“Let them go. If you have something to do, you can do it to me,” Bill said firmly.

“Found your voice, did you?” The man walked over to him.

Tommy moved to walk to Brittany and he stood in front of her, keeping his eyes on Bill and Frank.

“I don’t understand any of this. How are you not dead?”

“Bill, who is this guy?”

The man smiled. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

Bill kept his eyes trained on him. “This is my father.”

It was one thing to bring back a man who had such a vile impact on Bill’s life. It was quite another to make him a part of the attack.

Bill- the most honorable man, the man who values his integrity over everything, came from a monster; a monster who did the unthinkable to someone he loved.

I knew this would destroy him. I knew it would be something he would have an incredibly hard time reconciling.

The prosecutor looked at Chris. “So you’re telling us that Janet came up with this whole idea on her own because she was jealous? She tortured a young girl and allowed unspeakable things to happen because her son wasn’t treated well? We’re supposed to believe you had no involvement in this?”

Chris shrugged. “I don’t care what you believe.”

“Who took the pictures during the attack?”

“I did.”

Brittany felt faint. She held onto Bill’s hand and tried to breathe.

“So you were aware of what they were doing to Ms. Anthony. You were there to see,” the lawyer said.

Bill and Brittany both looked at each other. They knew where this was headed.

“Were you a participant?”

“I plead the fifth.”

“You can’t plead the fifth in a plea deal. You are here to answer the questions and tell us what you know in order to advance the case against Janet. If you don’t have anything to offer or continue to give us the run around, the deal is off,” the Judge said.

Chris looked at Brittany and then at Bill before he sat back and crossed his arms.

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“I was a participant.”

This was bad. Bill had no frame of reference on how to handle this. He believed that the blood running through his veins had to be tainted with Chris’ evil.

I also wanted to show another part of the anguish- Bill questioned his instincts. How could he have missed this? How could he let his mother live with such a monster?

This opened up a really big arc for Bill and it lasted for a while- I think much of his anguish still exists, but he’s learned that who his father was isn’t connected to the man Bill has become.

I also wanted to show Bill, in other ways, that he was a great man.

Giving him the only boy helped.

David serves as a reminder that Bill is the best role model. David adores him and is a good and smart little boy. Bill deserves to see himself as a good father because that’s what he is. Julie is helping him with that.

One thing I love about Bill is his sense of humor. He is funny and sincere and when he’s alone with Julie, a side of him comes out that is just for her. They bring out the best n each other and it’s so much fun to write.

I loved this next scene I wrote and I think you can see why…

“Did you take a shower?”

“No. I was waiting for you,” he said and shifted his weight.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked as she walked closer.

“Can we go back into the bedroom?”

She nodded and followed him. She was stunned when she saw the candles set up and there was something on the bed.

“What’s this?” she turned and looked at him.

“I wanted to have a special night with you. I got this game and I put on an outfit, but I need to take it off.”

She raised her eyebrows and smiled.

“What kind of outfit? Let me see,” she walked closer.

“It’s too small,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me I got fat?”

“Bill, there is nothing about you that could ever be called fat. You build more muscle every day; now show me what you’re wearing. Please?” she pouted.

He sighed and pulled the towel off. He was wearing a tiny jock strap that was see through. It did appear to be at least two sizes too small and the band was cutting into his hips

“Oh my,” she said and walked to him, trying desperately not to laugh.

“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I looked like a stuffed sausage,” he said and sighed.

She chewed on her lip and looked at him.

“I am so turned on right now,” she whispered as she walked in a circle around him.

“No way, really?” he asked as her hands snaked around his waist and she kissed his back.

“Really,” she said and walked back in front of him.

“Can I take it off? It hurts,” he said and she ran her hands over his chest.

“Let me,” she knelt down and went to slip her fingers under the band, but couldn’t. “It’s really tight.”

He squirmed.

“I know, and it’s getting tighter,” he whined.

“Why?”

He looked at her and rolled his eyes.

“Because your face is next to it.”

She giggled.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Stop breathing by it,” he said. “This needs to come off now.”

She got up and went to get the lotion. She came back and saw him trying to pick the strands up on his hips but they were digging in.

“Here, let me try this,” she poured some lotion on her hands and began to rub his waist.

“No, stop! You’re making it grow!”

She giggled and looked at him.

“Think about something else. Should I call my brother?”

“Don’t even joke about that. Just grab a scissors,” he said.

She went and grabbed the baby nail clippers and came back.

“Okay, suck in your breath,” she said and he did. She was able to slip her finger under the band and she quickly clipped the material until it began to rip, She pulled the rest and finally it tore in half. 

“Thank God,” he said and pulled the other side off, standing there naked with red marks on his hips.

“Oh baby,” she said and stood up and ran her hands over his chest. “Are you okay?”

“No. I wanted this to be romantic. I wanted to sweep you off your feet. I wanted to be your hot Army man rescuing you from an evening of boredom. I’m pathetic. You spent your night cutting off my underwear,” he sighed and sat down on the bed, his hips sore.

I just loved this scene and it still makes my laugh when I read it.

I also love the following: when Bill told Julie he loved her, when he proposed, when they made love for the first time, when she was sick and he was so scared, when Josie was born, when they lost the boys, when Julie was stabbed, and so many more.

Bill is a strong and sensitive man. He is tormented by his past and by the things he’s done. He works hard to be a better man each day.

I adore how he helps those around him and his friendship with Mike is something I love writing.

There is so much more I could cover, but this is getting long.

The demons he fights from serving two tours.

His relationship with his mother.

His need to protect everyone at the cost of his own sanity.

The breakdown he had when he thought Julie was gone.

I am so proud of the man Bill has become. He is an honor to write and his service to his Country is a tribute to reenact. I am the first to admit when I am wrong, and when it comes to Bill, I was wrong.

He deserves to be here.

Thoughts???

Check back tonight for a new giveaway!