My thoughts…

After writing so many books about the same people, I have developed some attachment to particular scenes which showcase both the serious and sensitive nature of the characters. Some of the hardest moments I’ve written have been with the characters of Bill and Julie. I think it is the hardest at times because they have been the core couple. They were together before the series began and reliving their love story has been a blast for me.

This scene comes from “Courage Lies Within” and it is when Julie comes to see Bill after he has been critically wounded. She is pregnant with triplets and has basically been told to go and say goodbye. This was a terribly difficult scene to write, but one I’m very proud of.

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Julie walked into the room and up to the bed. She felt like she was in a fog, almost like she was watching the scene in front of her. She shook her head as she approached her husband and when she saw him, she felt all the air go out of her lungs. She leaned down and kissed him softly on the forehead before she sat down and took his hand in hers.

“I love you,” she said simply and brought his hand to her lips. “I need you to be okay. Baby this wasn’t the plan.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a minute before looking at him.

“I know we’ve been here before, but I think maybe this time it’s simply too much,” she sobbed and then quickly pulled herself together. She put his hand down and moved closer to his face, running her finger over his chiseled features. “Do you remember the first time you kissed me?” She traced her finger over the part of his lips not impeded by the breathing tube. “Do you know what I thought?” She smiled a tiny smile. “I remember it like it was yesterday. I thought that those lips should be the only lips I ever kissed for the rest of my life. I knew from that instant, that you were my everything.”

She put her head on his chest and heard his heart beat. “O Bill, I hear you, baby. You’re still there and your heart sounds strong.” Her tears fell as she laid her arm across his chest. “What am I supposed to do now? How do I live without you? I don’t think I can do it, Billy. I simply can’t live without you.” She felt like she was going to throw up and she put her head in her hands.

“This can’t happen. How can I say goodbye to my soul? How can I live in a world where you don’t hold me when I cry or soothe me when I’m scared? How do I live never falling asleep again in your arms?” She felt her panic grip her chest as she fought with her fear.

“Where will you go? Will you be alone or will you wait for me? What if you’re scared or hurting? We never talked about this. How could we have never talked about this? How could I be so arrogant to think we would never have to? After everything we’ve gone through? I’m so stupid.” She moved to the garbage and vomited. She sat there for a minute and held her stomach before she returned to his bedside.

She ran her hand over his chest and his strong arms. “How will I make it through life never feeling your body against mine as you love me or laugh with you as we lie together and watch some stupid movie? Who will hold my heart as gently as you always have and how will I ever see the world the way you showed it to me?” She took his hand and placed it on her belly. “How can these babies come into the world never knowing their daddy?” She cried as if her heart was breaking, which it was. She held him and rubbed his chest.

“My love, my life. I don’t want you to hurt anymore, but it’s too soon. We have so much more to do and your job isn’t done. I can’t do this. I can’t tell you it’s okay because it’s not. Nothing is okay and nothing ever will be without you.”

“Julie?” Tommy and Jack stood there.

She sobbed. “No, don’t come in. Don’t tell me it’s time. I can’t do it, please. Let me die with him, please. Oh God,” she wailed as Jack came to her and held her as she sank to the floor. Tommy had trouble getting his body to move. The despair was crippling.

5 thoughts on “My thoughts…

  1. I remember this scene beautifully written I admire your talent
    So proud of your accomplishments looking forward to more

    1. That’s a tough question. It’s different with each character. Stephanie and Jack come easiest to me and Tommy is hardest. I think because I don’t always know his reactions. I know that sounds weird, but he holds so much inside that he sometimes reacts in ways that throw me. Britt is my favorite to write because she is so incredibly layered. I worry a lot about how people take her. I have received harsh criticism about her and how “cold” she seems at times and that breaks my heart. I adore her and she is the character who has been with me the longest. I created her during a dark time in my life and I identify a lot with her. She is the closest to “me” although Jade’s insecurities are mine, and I have MS like Stephanie. Julie and Bill are the most “real” to me and based (very loosely) off of real people, so I “hear” them clearer. I worry a lot when I put them through so much because they are family to me and it makes me sad to see them hurt.- I know- like my mother says “then don’t hurt them” 🙂 But, the story must move forward. These last few books are the most personal and the introduction of Jade and Mike and Liz and Evan has been like a breath of fresh air. So much more coming for them and the rest. When it gets to be too much for me, I write a flashback or a Bee and David scene to help with the heaviness. Those kids crack me up 🙂 I don’t know if that answered your question, but when I have an idea, it doesn’t take too long to get it down, but it doesn’t always end up like I planned. I think that’s the fun part.

      1. I love everyone of your characters jack and Stephanie
        Remind me of my husband and I are especially in dealing with my
        Health issues. I also can relate to Brit guarding her heart and jade insecurities I was like that In the beginning of our relationship thankfully my guy was able to break through my walls we been married 9 amazing years. I also love the loving bond created between your characters it’s amazing

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