Thank you!

Here is a final preview (although I know I already said that). This is a scene where Brittany goes to visit her mother in the nursing home. I won’t say what leads up to it or what role her mother plays in this book, but there is a lot tied up in this relationship. This is a small peek into what starts.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Brittany walked into the small room where her mother was sleeping. She looked at the empty bed of her roommate and saw the pictures of the woman’s family. She moved to the bed by the window where her mom was and sat down. She held a still sleeping Naomi in her arms and looked at her mother.

“Three generations together for the first time,” she said softly. “How amazing is that?” She reached to touch her mother’s hand and noticed just how similar their fingers were, both long and slender. She remembered playing with her dad’s hands and his fingers were short and thick. He always told her she had her mom’s hands. He was right. ‘Much better for playing the piano’ he had said.

Her tears fell as she looked at the older woman, still young and so beautiful. Brittany realized she had to only be in her mid 50’s. She had given birth to her when she was 18. It struck her how that number had such a profound impact on them all.

“You had me at 18 and my attack was at 18 and Tommy lost his parent’s at 18. I never thought of that before, really. I suppose it doesn’t matter; more meaningless statistics,” she smiled as Naomi woke up. She sat her daughter on her lap and they faced Bridget. “This is Uncle Bill’s mommy,” she couldn’t bring herself to say the word. She hated how angry she was. “I don’t know why I’m here, really, or what I hope to gain by talking to you. There isn’t any answer that will be acceptable,” she looked at the pictures, which were around the bed. She saw a young Bridget with Bill and she saw an image with a woman who she assumed was her mom’s twin sister. She didn’t even know her name.

“That’s your fault, you know. I have all of these holes because you didn’t care enough to know me,” she angrily wiped her tears and Naomi watched her. “I know I shouldn’t say that, and I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. From the moment I was born I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough of a reason for you to leave him,” she stood up and paced with Naomi. “I would understand it if you tried to leave him, but you stayed, and you had another child and you raised him.”

“Mumumu,” Naomi said and put her head on Brittany’s shoulder.

“It’s okay my love, mommy is just sad. You are helping her very much,” she rubbed Naomi’s back and looked at Bridget. “Mommy will always put you first.”

“What if I needed you? What if my whole life would have been different if you had simply given me a chance to love you? To know you and my brother? You let him grow up in a house full of hate and you should have given him to my dad, too. I don’t understand why you made the choices you did.”

“John would have helped you. My dad would have helped you. Why didn’t you let them? Why did you let this happen? Why didn’t you stop him? Why did you stay with a man who took pictures of me and helped other people hurt me so viciously? Why did you hate me so much? Why wasn’t I enough? Why am I never enough?” She sobbed and turned to see Tommy standing there at the door. His own face was wet and she looked back at her mother and then at him.

“You are enough. You have always been enough,” he said and pulled her into his arms, holding Naomi between them. “I’m so sorry, Red.”

They held each other for a bit and then she sat down while Tommy took Naomi from her. He sat on another chair and moved closer to her.

“How did you know I was here?” She wiped her eyes.

“I was worried and something you said stuck out to me. After I realized what a complete turd I had been, I wanted to talk to you, to tell you I was sorry for reacting how I did,” he smiled as Naomi sucked on her fingers and put her head down. “

“You said something that really bothered me and I don’t know how to stop you from thinking that way. You said you didn’t think your presence in this family had been all that positive,” he kissed Naomi’s head and looked at his wife. “That makes me feel like a colossal failure as a husband.”

She was surprised. “I didn’t mean it like that, Tommy. I just meant that before I came around, everyone was happier.”

He sighed and wiped his eyes. “That’s what I mean. Not only is that not true for everyone else, for me, it couldn’t be farther from the truth. My life has been monumentally better since I met you. My life is our life and to think that you don’t see it that way kills me. You aren’t married to the family, but to me. You are my partner in everything and I’m not going to leave no matter what.”

He looked at Bridget and then at his wife. “I don’t know why she made the choices she did. I don’t know how people like Chris and Janet exist in this world. I don’t know why my parents were taken so young and I don’t know why our daughter has had such a hard fight so far,” he handed Naomi to her and knelt down in front of her chair.

“There is a lot I don’t know, but there are some very important things I do know,” he reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I know that you are worth it. I know that you are my reason to get up in the morning. I know that you love me despite my crazy behavior and my incessant need to protect you. I know that you laugh when people fall down and then you’re embarrassed because you are laughing. I know that you are compassionate and tender and gorgeous and smart. I know you have the strength of a hundred men and I love how you let me help you just to humor me. I know that you’re scared of what you don’t know, but I also know that it won’t come close to putting a dent in your resolve. I know you are my hero and I wish more than anything I could take all of this fear from you,” he reached up and wiped her eyes. “I also know you need to say what you haven’t been able to say. I’m going to take Naomi and we will give you a minute before I take my girls home.”

She watched him take Naomi and walk out and she turned to look at Bridget. “I wish you knew what it was like to be loved and cherished like Tommy loves and cherishes me,” she took her mother’s hand in hers. “My whole life I thought about you. My whole life I wondered what you would be like. Maybe it’s time I stopped looking back and moved forward. Maybe we can start over. Maybe you leaving wasn’t my fault,” she turned and looked at Tommy who waited outside. He nodded and she turned back to Bridget. She leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, and for the first time in her 33 years, she spoke the words she never could. “I love you mom.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Feedback??