Although the premise of “The Unexpected” is about Brittany’s attackers and finally placing some answers with all of the questions that have plagued her, I really wanted this installment to be one of healing for Brittany. She is a survivor, no doubt, and she has strength is buckets, but she has never allowed herself to deal with the attack on an intellectual level. She is realizing just how fresh many of these scars are to her, and therapy is a step for her to take where she can begin to heal. The introduction of Dr. Holly was a proud moment for me and I hope she represents the great job and profound impact therapists can have on recovery. This is one of my favorite scenes.
Brittany sat down on the chair in the doctor’s plush office. She put her hands in her lap and took a few deep breaths. The older woman came in and smiled warmly as she sat down opposite Brittany and looked at her. “Hi Brittany. My name is Dr. Holly. It is very nice to meet you.” The doctor was in her 50’s, with brown hair and kind eyes. Brittany liked her, but she was still uncomfortable. She smoothed her shirt.
“Hi. I guess it’s nice to meet you, too.” Brittany said with a tiny laugh. “Sorry, I’m a bit out of my element.”
“What element is that?”
Brittany shrugged. “Talking to strangers,” she pulled at her shirt, straightening it.
“You aren’t used to talking to strangers?”
“Not really. I mean I used to talk to thousands of strangers, but this isn’t quite the same thing,” she played with imaginary fuzz on her shirt.
“Is your shirt uncomfortable?”
She looked up, startled. “No.”
“You keep tugging at it, so I wanted to be sure you were comfortable.”
“I’m fine.”
“Good.” The doctor took a sip of water and waited.
Brittany looked up, tears in her eyes. “Do you ever wish you had done something differently? If only you had taken a different path in life, maybe things would be better?”
“Do you wish things were better?”
“Not better, different.” She crossed her arms and winced at the pain in her wrists. She put her hands back in her lap.
“How did you hurt your wrists?”
“I was tied up.”
The doctor waited.
“I don’t think this was a good idea, do you mind if I go?” She stood up.
The doctor wasn’t used to someone being so polite about everything. “Why do you want to go?”
“Could you stop asking me so many questions. I feel like I’m talking to a five-year old.” Brittany snapped. She exhaled and crossed her arms but again her wrists hurt. “Shit.” She swore as she sat back down and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry for that outburst.”
“Why be sorry? You had something to say and you said it.”
“It was rude. Every thought I have doesn’t need to be verbalized.”
“Why not?” She pressed, knowing it was upsetting her client.
“Adults are civilized and we have filters. When we know something will hurt someone else, we shouldn’t just say it because it makes us feel better. That is selfish and hurtful.” Brittany said and wiped her eyes.
“Not all adults have that filter.”
“I know.”
“Have you always been able to hold your emotions in like you just did?”
“I didn’t hold them in, I just don’t want to be rude.”
“Why not?”
“Are you trying to piss me off?”
The doctor sat there and waited, taking another sip of water. The silence was deafening until Brittany broke it.
“I need to stop seeing myself as damaged,” she said softly.
“What do you mean by damaged?”
Brittany looked at her. “I realize therapy is supposed to make me talk about my issues, but all you do is ask me questions. I need answers.”
“To what?”
The redhead looked at her, blue eyes flaming. “This is stupid.”
The doctor sat again, not saying anything.
Brittany felt nauseous. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
The doctor shrugged. “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
“When I look at myself, I feel disgusted.”
“Do you know why that is?”
“People had their hands on me and now when I look in the mirror, all I see is them. When my husband looks at me, I think he must see it, too,” she felt her chin quiver.
“Does he know what you think?”
“He knows I feel dirty. He tells me I’m not.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“He has to say that. Tommy is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is patient and tender and he loves me. But deep down, he has to see it.”
“Because you do?”
She nodded and stood up, pacing a little. “I love Tommy, more than I ever thought I could love another person. He has helped me time and time again and I am afraid that maybe this time it’s too much. I worry he will leave and I worry that I will fall apart and then I worry because I obviously depend on him too much.” Her tears were streaming down her face. “I am so mad at myself.”
The doctor looked at this strikingly strong and independent woman and her heart broke at the torment she knew was simply skimming the surface of the deep hurt she had endured. This part of her job was the hardest, but it was necessary for Brittany to lead the dialogue. “Do you want to take a break?”
“I would like to leave,” She said and sat back down. “But I guess that has to wait.”
“Tell me a little more about your husband. Does he support you being here?”
“Yes. He is waiting for me in the lobby.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Happy, but then upset because I shouldn’t need him so much.”
“Why not?”
“Because I am his wife, not his dependent.”
“If you asked him, would he say he depends on you the same way?”
She hadn’t thought about that. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Tommy has been able to get through a lot in his life and he didn’t have me to help him.”
“And so have you.”
“But I’m different now.”
“And he isn’t?”
Brittany sighed and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”
“Why can’t you believe he is as dependent on you?” The doctor pushed her.
“I don’t know.” She wiped her eyes. “I’m tired.”
The doctor could see that. “I think we did a lot today. I would like to see you again tomorrow, would that be okay?”
Brittany nodded. “Okay.”
Thanks for sharing. I definitely think Brittany will benefit from the therapy – its probably something she should have been engaged in a long time ago but hasn’t. Looking forward to when the book is published!