You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
The above lines, written by Max Ehrmann, gave me a new understanding of who I was. I remember when my mother first gave me this poem. I was about 14 or 15 and was going through a lot. I always suffered from anxiety and self doubt and my self esteem was at an all time low. When I read this poem, things became clear.
I was right where I was supposed to be, and I was enough.
Years later, when life caused me to question things again, this poem came to me, but in a different light.
Desi was born out of a need for me to shake up the series and shake up the characters. It was also a way for me to challenge myself as a writer.
I’ve written before about my doubts surrounding Desi. I brought in a new teenager, gave her cancer and had her attacked and raped at a school function. I also had her mother serving in war, across the world from Desi.
Why do this? What was the point? Why did I need to go there?
I lost readers. I received nasty emails.
I understood.
But like Brittany and her HIV and Stephanie and her MS, life hits; sometimes hard. Desi had strength and power within her. She was more than a disease and a horrific moment.
We all are.
Desi brought with her a family to love. Introducing Ian to the series as a father with more on his plate that anyone should have to handle gave me a new way to see my other characters.
It created a new link. Ian to Tommy and Bill and Brittany and David and Bee and Jack and Stephanie.
I considered having Sabrina be the victim at the dance, but when I began to feel her moving on from David, I knew her path was different.
The effect of what happened at that dance would torment her for years. In some ways, it still does. In a way, it would irrevocably change her relationship with David.
Back to Desi. It was a gamble- did my readers care enough about her to follow this journey? Would they root for her and David? Would they want to meet Cassie? Would Ian fit into this group?
The response for the character of Desi was overwhelmingly positive and I never regretted bringing her into our family. Her experience is also not unique- and that is just as important. Giving assault victims a voice through Desi was important for me. It was needed.
Flash forward to today. Beginning the sequel had Desi alone. She and David were broken up and we were led to believe she cheated on him.
That would never happen. First because she loved him more than anything, and second- if you have followed anything about me, you know I don’t write cheating stories. It’s a thing for me. I don’t do it. I bring drama from within. The closest I came was Rebecca and cheating was the least of her issues.
No, something horrific must have happened to cause this split and we learned it had. Cassie was gone. Desi had been pregnant and miscarried. Her cancer was back. David was oblivious to all of it. He wouldn’t even look at her.
Why do I continue to torture her?
I’m not sure I know the answer to that any more than I can explain the reasons behind what will happen in the next few books. I guess we can’t always have the endings we want. Sometimes really bad things happen to really good people.
That’s not to say Desi’s story is all sadness. It’s not. She and David are engaged and happy and life is good. She just has to get through this latest bout with cancer. If she can.
I know- that’s a huge ‘if’.
Desi also follows the continued story of Sabrina and Jimmy and Tessa and Robbie. Their stories are complex and challenging and at the forefront of the next few novels.
I am so excited to continue the story with Desi and I hope you continue on this journey with me. Below is a little preview from Desi. Please preorder your copy today.
As always, if you have questions or comments, it helps me to know you’re still reading 🙂
Preview::::::::::
Desi was sitting on David’s bed after they got home from dinner and he was getting ready for bed. Her heart was so full and she had so many reasons to look to the future.
But suddenly, her fears were coming to the surface and she struggled to stay in the moment.
She hated this feeling more than she could explain and for the first time in her life, she felt the weight of all she had to lose.
She said yes to his proposal without hesitation.
Was that selfish? Should she have thought about what it would mean for him to take care of her?
She knew if the roles were reversed, she wouldn’t hesitate to care for him, but the roles weren’t reversed. She was always sick.
Her whole life.
He walked out in his boxers and smiled at her.
“What?” she moved her long hair over her shoulder.
“Nothing. I just can’t wait until we live together and you feel comfortable being here.”
“What do you mean? I’m comfortable,” she turned to him as he sat down.
“You have worry lines. What’s wrong?”
She smiled at him.
“Nothing. Tonight was perfect.”
He took her hands in his and sighed.
“It’s hard to keep your mind off things, isn’t it?”
She shrugged and fought back her tears.
“I’m just a little scared. I feel like I’m too happy. I don’t want tomorrow to ruin it. I don’t want to lose the feeling of being so excited for the future. I think about tonight and how our families were so excited and the next time we’re all together it’s probably going to be about making decisions and going over options and not about a wedding. I hate that and I hate that it’s even on my mind right now. I should just be focused on all the good, but the fear is there, too. I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because you deserve better. I don’t want to always be such a downer.”
“Do you think if you didn’t say anything about it, I would have forgotten about tomorrow?”
“No, but that’s the point,” she sighed as she lay back on the bed. “My issues have invaded our relationship.”
“I should hope so,” he said as he leaned on his arm and looked at her. “We are together in this life and what you go through, I go through. What I go through, I expect you will be there with me, too. It’s not your issues or mine, but our life. It took me a hell of a long time to wake up and realize what I wanted in life and it’s always and forever you. Issues, love, laughter, family, all of it is ahead and I can’t wait.”
“How do you do that?” she asked as she reached to his face. “How do you always know what to say to help me stay in the here and now?”
He kissed her palm and his eyes were shining.
“I’m scared, too,” he said as his voice broke. “But I will never stop believing that we are destined for a lifetime of love and family. You are the strongest woman I have ever known and whatever happens tomorrow, we will handle it.”
Her chin quivered as he pulled her into his arms.
“Okay.”
He smiled and kissed her deeply.
“Okay.”
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Desi is a fighter.
People keep reminding her of that.
Little do they know, she fears she has no fight left in her.
All Desi wanted was the same kind of normal existence other people take for granted. A shot at happily-ever-after with David, the man she loves.
But life has other plans.
The cancer she’s been fighting since she was six years old is back, and this time she isn’t sure she can beat it. Despite accepting David’s beautiful proposal, she’s beginning to feel she should spare him from watching the illness consume her by letting him go.
Can David’s love grant her the strength she needs for the battle ahead?
Or will the storm cloud of despair rolling in rip them apart?
