These past few months have been pretty stressful. I know that isn’t unusual and everyone has something going on, but for me, in a way, I’ve reached my limit.
I spent most of my summer going back and forth to different doctors trying to get a handle on some new symptoms I was experiencing. I love summer because even though I am still teaching a class and writing, I have a lot of time to relax and rejuvinate my body and spirit.
This summer was different. Before school ended, I began to have more joint pain and more fatigue. The redness on my face was much more noticable and everything just hurt. I always worry about my MS and how and when it may advance. I don’t wait for it to happen, but every twinge and issue I feel sends my anxiety into overdrive.
I have been super lucky. I have been able to work full time and enjoy a great life after my diagnosis. Most people who look at me would never know I have MS and I’m okay with that. I could do without the judgmental looks if I park in a handicap space and walk out without assistance. I’m sure people think I’m just being lazy or abusing the system, but they have no idea of the toll a lot of walking takes on me.
I also struggled to continue to work out. I have been kickboxing for a year and a half and it was a huge step for me to get back into the gym and push myself. The aches and pains I began to feel were more than normal muscle pulls. I was concerned.
And frustrated.
My work took a crazy turn last year with unexpected responsibilities thrown on me and I did my best to roll with the punches. I made it through the school year and was proud of the final results. I think it took a toll on my physical self and once I took a minute to breathe, my body rebelled. It didn’t help that I was told this coming year would include more of the same stress.
After many tests and trips to different doctors, I was informed I had a mild case of Lupus on top of my MS. What is one autoimmune disease when you can have two? I was always an overachiever. 🙂
I began a new medication to help with some of my symptoms and figured I would deal with this the way I deal with most of my health issues. Just move forward.
But it’s been hard.
I’m tired. My body aches. More of my hair fell out. Working out has been a struggle. My job has taken every ounce of energy I have.
And then another realization occurred.
This November will be ten years since my dad died. Ten years since I’ve been able to talk to him. Ten years since I could hear his advice. He never saw any of my books and he never will.
It’s not like I didn’t know it was ten years. I guess it just hit me that it’s been a decade since I began this series. I started to write as a form of therapy after he died. I created my main characters long before he died, but I never put things all together until he was gone.
I look at my life and wonder if I recognize the person I was ten years ago. I’m not sure I do. People are irrevocably changed by the loss of a parent. I know I am. It’s not that my values have changed or I’ve become a different person completely, but there is a part of me that’s forever changed; forever gone.
My dad was my connection to a lot of things. It saddens me how I’ve lost some of those connections. It breaks my heart how some people have forgotten me. A few things happened this fall which reminded me how much I’ve lost. Not that I needed a reminder.
Writing has been my salvation and I have healed from writing these characters before and I will heal this crack by writing again. Breathing life into these characters helps to breathe more life into me and I begin to grow with every milestone they reach.
I guess it was important for me to reach out to those of you who have been with me for a decade. To thank you for supporting my books and my little family by choice. I think after losing my dad, I needed to create this little community. It was a way for me to feel valued through Stephanie and Jack. To be inspired through Brittany and Tommy. To feel honored through Bill and Julie. To see myself through Jade and Mike. To laugh through Liz and Evan. To love through baby Bee and David and Mini Red. To grow the group with Tessa and Josie and all of the other kids who came into the family.
One of the most profound moments I had in writing this series was the introduction of the Yearling family. Creating Desi and Ian and Cassie breathed new life into everyone and took me on a journey I never saw coming. I can’t imagine this series without them.
Ending the series was important for me and I have no regrets about that. What I found after taking a step back was that I missed them. Their voices never left my head and I began to look at how the kids would form their lives as adults. I wanted to see them grow up. I wanted to know who they were as adults. I needed to see them succeed or fail.
I wasn’t done telling their stories.
So the Next Generation was born and the characters who took a little bit of a back seat at times in the series became the leads.
Jimmy and Desi and Robbie and Bryan helped usher Sabrina and David and Tessa and Naomi into the next generation. I don’t know that they will all remain together, but I know their stories are important to tell.
Jimmy deserves to be happy.
Robbie needs to find his purpose.
Desi must face her own mortality.
Bryan needs to find his place in this world.
They deserve to be heard. I’m listening and I can’t wait to continue their journeys.
I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’d like to say that will change, but I’m not so sure right now. I’m working on doing more for myself and not getting so down on myself for things I can’t control.
I can’t tell you how much you have all meant to me and although I write these characters because I adore them, your feedback has been life changing. .
Thank you.
