Winding down…If Only

In preparation for the winding down of the series, I thought it might be fun to share some of my favorite moments from each book. I realize that may take a while, but if you’re game, so am I. I would also LOVE to hear some of your favorite moments from the series as well.

I’ll try to go in order, but some of my favorite moments start in one book and then are referenced in another. It all runs together for me because I write the series as a whole, and cut it when it’s time for another to come out.

If Only was book 1 in the series. I realize the confusion with Nothing Matters, but I will cover that in another post. If Only is truly book 1 in the series, as there is no gap in time between it and the rest. Amazon simply refuses to change the description. Ugh.

It’s weird to me to go back and read the beginning of the series, because the characters have grown so much and I have grown as a writer as well. I am currently working on a full rewrite of the book, cutting it down considerably and removing much of Jack and Stephanie’s solo chapters. It’s not that they aren’t important, but some are gratuitous and the book was entirely too long. So is The Unexpected, but I’ll get to that one later :).

Tommy and Brittany’s story is the one I always wanted to write. I think I’ve said it before- I created Brittany in a notebook when I was in high school. She sat in my desk drawer for years with no clear purpose. I feel kind of badly when I think of how long I waited to bring her to life. I should have started sooner. I wish I had.

However, her story couldn’t be told without the vehicle to tell it, and that’s where Tommy came in. He was born out of a need for Jack to have a sounding board, but he flourished when he found his soul mate.

There are points in the book where I am incredibly proud of the characters and points where they disappoint me. I wish they both said what they meant and believed in their worth. I get frustrated with them as I think a parent would with their children.

It’s hard for me to see their faults, but I know they have them.

While outlining the end of the series, this couple will be hit the hardest. I think I always knew that. I think sometimes, no matter how hard we want things to be okay, life has other ideas.

This series was born after life showed me the cruelty out there. Going through profound and unexpected loss changes who you are. It’s not that I am not a happy and fulfilled person, but there is a part of me that will always and forever be gone. It’s just the way it is, and I think, because of that, I write Tommy and Brittany the way I do.

I know I have shared some of my favorite moments with them in the past, but there are a few more- a few less obvious scenes I think are my favorites.

The scene I wrote before I began the book was when Tommy found Brittany in the woods and cared for her in the cave. In a weird way, it was one of the more intimate looks into Tommy’s psyche. I remember receiving feedback from readers who were confused by his reaction to her injuries. He froze and wasn’t sure what to do to help her. I was told “He’s a doctor. He would know what to do!” But it wasn’t his brain that froze, it was his heart. He couldn’t run from his feelings (as he loves to do). He couldn’t just move on. He was looking at the woman who he knew was becoming so important to him and the gravity of her situation hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t a doctor. He was a man trying to save the woman he loved-(but refused to acknowledge that).

Looking at the torn up gown she wore, he felt sick at the thought of why she had it on. He also saw the gash near her abdomen and the bloodstain. He pulled out his knife and cut the fabric away, removing the gown and leaving her scrubs underneath. Putting on his gloves, he carefully cut away at the fabric covering the wound. She had sustained a deep tear, but the bleeding seemed to have eased, probably because her body temperature had dipped so low. He took out some gauze and covered the wound, taping it as best as he could. He looked her over some more and saw her foot that was uncovered. She had numerous cuts to her foot and he could only imagine how she had run away like that. He didn’t care that tears were running down his face as he covered her foot with more gauze. He saw her arms were scratched from the trees and although it would be painful, there were no open wounds on her arms. He moved to her face and saw the bruise on her cheek and eye where she had been struck. Again, nothing he could do for that at the moment. He sat back and put his head in his hands, unsure of what to do next.

“I need some help,” he screamed into the air. “I don’t know what to do,” he sat there, breathing heavily. “Okay, you’re a fucking doctor, you know what to do,” he said to himself. She needed to get warm. He needed to bring her body temperature back up.

“Okay, I know you won’t like this, but you have to get warm and the only way I know to do that is to get rid of the wet clothes. I promise I won’t hurt you. I am a doctor and I am always professional. I won’t look at anything and I won’t disrespect you. You can trust me,” he spoke gently to her as he cut away her clothes. “You’re a doctor, you will understand,” he removed the scrub top and sat her up in his arms to pull off the back. He gently moved her to the blanket and cut off her pants. He was careful not to move the bandage he had placed on her abdomen. He fought the urge to vomit as he saw the bruises she had sustained on her back, probably from being tied to a chair. He moved her body close to the fire and covered her as best he could with the blanket. Suddenly she began to cry, although still unresponsive.

Another favorite scene was from Brittany’s perspective. She had so much to deal with from page one of the book and it never got easier for her (I know- my fault). One thing I wanted to focus on, aside from her assault and the obvious hesitation she would feel because of that, was that I wanted to be sure I was able to adequately discuss her fears about being with someone while HIV positive.

It’s easy to quote statistics and say they are both doctors and they know how to be safe. It’s easy to list information from research and read pamphlets on safe sex and it’s good to be absolutely informed.

But then there is the guilt.

Brittany knew the risk and she knew, in the back of her mind, that there was always a chance of infecting him. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, no matter how someone becomes infected. The stronger she fell for Tommy, the more intense her fears became.

The statistics were clear and she had always done everything right, but I could feel her fear. She wouldn’t be able to handle it if she got him sick.

It was also important to show her fear that she may succumb to her disease and that would contribute to the profound loss he had already endured. It might be a “what if” but it was real to her and she worried so much about it.

This conversation with Stephanie was important for a lot of reasons. I think it helped Brittany to believe in her worth.

Brittany looked at her friend. “I think I’m falling in love with him, Steph.”

Stephanie smiled a huge smile. “Britt, that’s wonderful,” she looked at her friends’ expression. “That’s not wonderful?”

Brittany shook her head. “I can’t offer him anything. I can’t be with him.”

Stephanie was at a loss. “Why? Because you’re HIV positive?”

Brittany looked at her hands. “Because I am damaged. Having HIV is just a reminder of that damage,” she looked at her friend. “I look at you and Jack and I see what could be. It’s a fantasy life that I can’t have. I have a viral load that fluctuates because of the damage to my body. I could not only infect Tommy every time my platelets get low, but I could put him through something so much worse.”

Stephanie knew what she meant. “Brittany, you don’t have AIDS. He won’t have to watch you die.”

Brittany wiped her tears. “He has suffered so much loss, Stephanie. How do I go into a relationship knowing I will most likely contribute to that loss? I can’t do that to him.”

Stephanie looked at her and felt her own memories creep up. “I was able to open my heart because I met someone like Jack who showed me that I was worth it. He was so amazing because he took the time to let me see that what I thought about my life and what I ‘deserved’ was so wrong. I am worth love and I am worth respect and so are you, for as long as that may be. Tommy is a wonderful man and he loves you, whether or not he has said it. He is scared of hurting you and pushing you, but I can tell you from experience, you will find something that is so much more powerful than the fear. If you let him love you, everything else will make sense in a way you never thought possible,” Stephanie smiled as she thought of Jack. “I know you’re scared, but so is he. Maybe if you let him in a little at a time, you both can find something amazingly wonderful. Just think about it, okay?”

Sometimes it’s important to hear from someone you trust that you’re worth it.

There are so many parts of Tommy and Brittany’s courtship I adore. I love when she told him she was HIV positive and his reaction. I love when she sang for him. I love when he shared stories about his parents. I love when they walked and talked about her dad. I love when they worked with Courtney and when they got Tramp. I love their fights and when she got drunk. I love how he stood by her side when she told her story to the press and I love how she helped Julie give birth. I love their story so much, and I am dreading their end.

I hope you love them, too, despite getting frustrated with them at times.

So, what are your favorite “If Only moments?

Pick one below or add your own 🙂