Off Topic, but necessary.

It’s been a challenging week.

I always look forward to release time because I can’t wait for you to read the next part of the journey. I usually get a room in a hotel and put the finishing touches on the release and do some sort of giveaway.

I got a hotel room.

I finished up the release.

And I cried.

I have been teaching for 16 years and this week has been life changing.

Sometimes it’s hard to leave one job and move on to the other. I think it’s been even harder since I have been writing the kids as teenagers.

As a high school teacher, I live and breathe my job. In this day and age of technology, I am more accessible to my students and their parents. I receive emails all the time from students who have questions and are struggling with the material for one reason or another.

I know them. I know their parents.

I know what they want to do with their lives and I’m so excited to watch them begin that journey.

Another school shooting.

17 dead.

So many injured.

So many lives forever altered.

I’d like to say that before last Wednesday’s shooting, I didn’t dwell on what could happen.

I’d like to say I feel confident that I am prepared.

I would be lying.

I think about it all the time.

I work in a building with almost 2000 people on any given day. I have no way of knowing what is going through their minds and hearts at any given moment.

Anyone can bring anything into our building, no questions asked. Students carry backpacks. Teachers carry bags. Everyone brings in what they need for the day and nobody asks questions.

And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

I trust that I am surrounded by administrators and parents who have my safety and the safety of all of our students in mind.

We do our best to listen to our students and help them when we see anything out of the ordinary.

We have meetings and speakers and counselors who make themselves available for anyone who needs to talk.

I also know that those measures aren’t enough.

Nothing we do in the classroom is enough.

Sometimes when I am pulling into my parking space in the morning and I see a parent dropping off their son or daughter, I think about their morning. I wonder if the parent’s worry. I wonder if they talk about it.

I wonder if they fear they are dropping their most precious being off to unknown danger?

But we can’t live in fear, right? We can’t live in a bubble.

Right?

I also look at my classroom and I think about what I would do if we had a shooter.

I don’t have a closet.

I don’t have anywhere to hide 36 full-grown 16-18 year olds.

As a class, we’ve talked about it.

I teach upstairs and I have windows. We have talked about taking a desk and throwing it hard enough to break the windows (which don’t open) and jumping out.

We’ve talked about how jumping might cause broken bones, but it will be better than another option.

One thing I have never hesitated to tell them is that I will protect them with everything I am.

I hope that’s true. I hope, in that moment, I wouldn’t hesitate to stand in front of them.

They deserve that. They deserve to go through a school day without getting shot.

I can’t believe I’m even typing that.

I also hear people say that teachers should have guns.

I am a gun owner. I have shot a gun at a range and I spent five hours at the police station learning proper safety and technique.

I don’t carry a weapon and I don’t have any plan to do so.

I could never have a gun at school. I could never take a weapon out and shoot someone in my classroom.

How dare anyone ask that of me or my colleagues.

That’s not the answer.

We need fewer guns, not more.

I’m sorry for the rambling, but I’m struggling.

I think my biggest issue is what happens next.

My school has had a mini break which ends today. We will be back in school tomorrow for the first time since the shooting and I will stand in front of my students and field questions.

I know they will have them.

I know they will want to know how we are going to support Parkland.

I know they will want to know how safe they are.

I don’t know what to say.

I don’t have any answers.

I don’t know how to reassure them.

I don’t know how to lie to them.

I don’t know how we as a society continue to have to deal with this.

I have never regretted my decision to become a teacher and I still don’t. I love my job and I love watching student’s learn and grow.

I am proud of their achievements and I join them when they struggle.

I have found myself getting distracted a lot over the last week. I don’t have the patience I usually have and I don’t know why.

I’m scared. My classes in college didn’t prepare me for this.

I’m not scared of a shooter.

I’m scared of letting my student’s down. I’m scared I’m not going to do right by them.

But I also know that they are so much smarter and stronger than many people give them credit. As we see in Parkland, the students aren’t waiting for direction, they are leading by example.

So now what? What is the point of this post?

I’m not sure. Maybe a little bit of a form of therapy for me before I go to work tomorrow?

Maybe a little venting.

Maybe a way for me to say what I don’t know I will be able to tomorrow?

I don’t know. I sit here and type this as my cute pup sleeps next to me and I think about how many pups were waiting for their favorite people to come home last Wednesday and they are still waiting.

It’s not the most important point, but it’s another part of life that is forever different.

I am so proud and excited for my release on Thursday, but I felt I needed to explain my silence for the last week.

I just want to say thank you for being you.

I will have a much more upbeat post soon, and I’ll let you know how things go tomorrow.

For now, I’m just going to cuddle that sweet pup and try to be the safe place for so many tomorrow.

I will let them talk and I will listen.

I will try to help.

I will try to facilitate positive action.

I will look for the child who is quiet and withdrawn and I will make an extra effort to be a listening ear.

I will have them write letters to survivors if they want.

I will try to make them laugh- at least smile.

That’s what I can try to do.

That’s something.

-Robin