The Past…

This is a never published flashback. There are a few of these I will be sharing in the next few days.

Enjoy!

(The past)

Julie was nervous. She was going to Bill’s apartment for dinner and it was the first time he had invited her over like this. They had recently said their I love you’s, but she wasn’t sure what that meant. What happened next? What did he expect? What did she?

She finished getting dressed and ran her hand through her hair. The semester had ended and she was beginning her student teaching, so she moved back in with Tommy and Jack. She jumped down the stairs and smiled at Tommy who was sitting at the table.

“Hey, you look great,” he smiled at her and rubbed his eyes.

She sat down and exhaled.

“You look exhausted. When do you sleep?”

“I’m okay. I just have a really trying case and I’m trying to figure out a way to help the patient.”

“Maybe Jack can help?”

He glared at her and saw she was smiling.

“It isn’t a cardiac case. Besides, he doesn’t like kids.”

Julie smiled.

“I can totally see him being a parent one day. Both of you, really.”

Tommy laughed.

“Not likely. I think we will both live vicariously through you.”

She crossed her arms and was quiet.

“What’s wrong?” he closed his book and looked at her.

“Can I talk to you about something and not have you freak out?”

“Well when you put it like that, I just don’t know,” he rolled his eyes.

“I’m going over to Bill’s for dinner. He’s cooking.”

“That’s nice,” he waited. “Should I be freaking out about that?”

“No, but as a man, do you think I owe him anything?”

He was alarmed.

“What do you mean? Did he pressure you or something?”

She shook her head and smiled.

“Of course not. Bill is the consummate gentleman. I just wonder if there is something I should be doing that I’m not.”

He smiled and sat back.

“Why don’t you say what you’re not saying.”

She blushed.

“When is it okay to have sex?”

He didn’t think she would actually say that. He was relieved that this meant she hadn’t.

“Well, that’s up to you guys. I mean if you love him and he loves you and you are both sure, then when the time is right, you’ll know.”

“Have you or Jack ever had sex with someone you didn’t love?”

He sighed.

“Well, neither one of us are virgins and we’ve never been in love.”

“Gross. A simple yes would have sufficed.”

He shrugged.

“I think it’s different for me and Jack.”

“Don’t be sexist,” she challenged.

“No, not because of that. It’s different because it’s you, Jules. You guard your heart so completely and that’s because you’ve suffered an incredible loss. I think you look at Bill and you know how much he has the power to hurt you. You don’t want to give him that last part of you, or at least you haven’t yet.”

She sniffed and nodded.

“Sometimes I really miss mom, but you are quite amazing, you know that?”

He smiled and then sighed.

“Look, be smart and protect yourself. I like Bill, but if he hurts you, I’ll kill him.”

Julie walked over and kissed his head.

“Thanks dad.”

*******

Bill waited for Julie and he put the finishing touches on the table setting. He lit the candles and smiled when he heard the door. He smoothed his shirt down and went to open it.

“Hi, come in,” he smiled and she walked in, handing him a plant.

“I didn’t know what I should bring. You don’t drink, and neither do I, so wine was out, and chocolates seemed strange, so I got a plant, but now that I look at it, it seems very stiff and I don’t want to be stiff,” she rambled and he grinned.

“Sorry. It smells amazing,” she said and blushed.

“I hope you like it. It’s nothing special.”

She looked around the room and saw the candles and she hugged her arms around her waist.

“I think I should leave.”

Bill froze and faced her.

“What? Why?”

She was suddenly so nervous and she felt like crying. What the hell was wrong with her?

“I’m sorry, Bill, I don’t know that I can do what you want.”

“Jules, all I want right now is for the woman I love to have dinner with me.”

“But what about after? You have candles set up and it’s so beautiful here. What do you want to have happen?”

He walked to her and took her hand, leading her to the couch to sit down.

“I truly want to have dinner, nothing more. What are you worried about? Do you feel pressured into doing something?”

She wiped her eyes and was completely embarrassed.

“I can’t believe I haven’t said anything before, but I think you need to know something.”

He was worried.

“Okay, what is it?”

She looked up into his eyes and shrugged, praying he wouldn’t laugh.

“I’m a virgin.”

He smiled sweetly and held her gaze.

“So am I.”

She was stunned.

“What? No way. I don’t believe that.”

He felt stung and stood up, crossing his arms.

“I wouldn’t lie to you. I think maybe you’re right and you should go.”

She realized she had reacted to him like she had been afraid he would react to her.

“Bill, no, I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect that.”

“Why? Because I’m a man and all men want one thing?”

She shrugged.

“Well, no and yes. I mean look at you,” she walked over to him. “You are incredibly handsome and smart and sensitive. You treat me like I’m this gift and I guess I just assumed it was,” she stopped.

“It was because I was trying to get into your pants? I was only after one thing? It was all an act?” he said and felt his own eyes fill, furious with himself for getting so upset. He started pacing. “I’m such an idiot.”

She ran to him and stopped him.

“No, stop it. I didn’t mean any of that.”

“Then why think the worst of me? I haven’t had sex and that in itself is embarrassing. I never really cared, because I saw, growing up, that sex was used as a weapon. It wasn’t about love or respect and I vowed that I would only be intimate with the woman who truly wanted me for me, and I needed to want her the same way. I never expected to wait so long, but it’s important to me and I wasn’t looking at you like a conquest. I wasn’t expecting sex tonight. I wasn’t even planning on it. I simply wanted to make you dinner and pamper you like you deserve. I want to make memories with you and maybe one day we would decide to take that step, but it wasn’t going to be something either one of us felt pressured to do.”

“I’m sorry. I ruined everything and I’m so sorry. I don’t think you are after that. I don’t feel like you’ve been pushing me to do anything. I just got scared and I said the wrong thing,” she wiped her eyes and reached to take his hand. “Billy, I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to be in a relationship.”

He looked at her and his blue eyes were swimming.

“I love you. I don’t love you because I think it’s what I am supposed to do or say. I don’t love you so it will enable me to take advantage of you. I love you because at the end of the day, my life is simply better with you in it. When I wake up in the morning, the first thought in my head is you. When I hear a song on the radio, I laugh because I hear you singing the wrong lyrics. When I walk by a mirror and see myself smiling, I know it’s because you are a part of my life. I’m just happy to love you, and I am excited to see what this life will bring us. I never want our relationship to cause you fear or sadness and if it does, then I am no better than my father.”

She looked at him quizzically.

“What do you mean? You’ve never mentioned your father before.”

Bill shook his head.

“Forget it. He is a terrible man and my mother was always afraid of him. I don’t think I could stand it if you looked at me with fear. I would rather die than see that.”

“I am not afraid of you. I’m afraid of my need for you. I’m afraid of how much I want to hold you and touch you. I’m afraid that I want you more than I should.”

He leaned down and captured her mouth with his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he held his hands at her hips before moving his arms around her. She pressed her tongue between his lips and he moaned into her before he stepped back.

“No, stop,” he said.

She touched her lips and walked to sit on the couch.

“I think I was afraid you didn’t want to make love to me.”

He walked over and sat down, his surprise obvious.

“Why would you think that?”

She looked at him and her tears spilled over her cheeks.

“I’ve always been a tomboy. I don’t know much about being feminine and I have never been someone who is considered beautiful. I guess I wanted you to want me, but at the same time, I was afraid of what that would mean. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me or feel you’ve settled. I don’t know if I’m worth you putting in so much effort.”

He ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her closer.

“Can I tell you something?”

She put her hand on his chest and nodded.

“At the risk of being too forward, I see my future with you in it. I look at you and see family. I hold you and I feel safe. I have never been a man of many words, and to be honest, nobody has every cared to find out why. You challenge me in ways that I adore. I love you. I just want to be with you, and that takes no effort, it simply is. You are worth the whole world, Julie. You are simply worth everything.”

She looked up at him and stroked his cheek, her fear gone and her nerves calm. He was a gift to her and she would never lose sight of that.