More thoughts :)

Here is another scene that means the world to me. Introducing Naomi into the series was something I thought about for a really long time. It wasn’t so much that Brittany was HIV positive, because many women who live with this disease have healthy children. With Brittany, there was so much more going on. She hasn’t been healthy in so many ways, and the reality of what a pregnancy could mean for her was crushing.

I had planned on having her miscarry soon into the pregnancy, but I began to fall in love with Naomi as she fought to survive. I found her to be a worthy addition to the strength of her parents and with Tramp there, I knew she would have a fierce protector. I also wanted to stay true to the medical issues which would need to be handled with a child born so premature. Her kidney issues were done with a long term goal in mind that will slowly be revealed in book 12.

This particular scene is one of my favorites. Not only is it a profound moment for Tommy and Brittany, but it was the introduction of Naomi’s place in this family. She has always been and will continue to be a force to recon with.

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They sat in silence, not knowing what to say or what to do. The options were little if any and their hearts were broken. Brittany looked at her husband. “Let’s do the kangaroo touch again and ask Naomi what she needs.”

He wiped his eyes as he nodded and went to tell the nurse to bring their baby in. Brittany got into the bed and pulled her gown off, covering herself with the sheet. She looked up as Tommy came in with the nurse who wheeled Naomi near them and nodded before leaving them alone. Tommy closed the curtains and picked up his daughter, placing her gently onto Brittany’s chest. He got into the bed with them and they all sat there.

“Little Naomi, mommy and daddy are here.” She spoke softly to her baby as she stroked her back. “We love you and we are so very proud of you.”

Tommy exhaled as his tears fell. He didn’t want to do this. He couldn’t do this. He stood up and Brittany looked at him. “It’s okay.” She said.

“I can’t do this. I’m not like you. I’m not strong enough.” He said brokenly.

She smiled sadly at him. “You don’t have to do anything, Tommy. It’s okay. I just want to hold her for a little while. You can go home for a bit if you want.”

“I don’t want to go home. I want our daughter to be healthy. I want something in your life to be filled with happiness.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I just don’t understand this. I don’t know what we did to deserve this. I look at the people who come and go from the hospital with healthy and happy babies and I look at us and can’t figure it out. Haven’t we suffered enough sadness? Haven’t you been through enough hurt for 12 lifetimes? What is the point of this?” He yelled.

Brittany kissed her daughters’ head and rubbed her arms and legs gently. “I wish I knew what to tell you. I ask myself that all the time, Tommy, but there comes a point in time when you have to look at the reality of the situation and try to figure out where to go from here. Naomi is here and she is looking to us to do right by her. As her parents, we need to be able to make decisions that are in her best interest while not discounting her ability to fight. I don’t know what that means, but I need her to tell me. I need her to know that she is the greatest blessing of my life and I need to believe she is here for a purpose. I have to believe that, Tommy.” She sobbed.

He shook his head. “How can you believe that? What has happened that makes you think anything good will come of this? How can you remain positive when nothing good in your life has lasted?” He crossed his arms, having a meltdown and not knowing how to stop it.

She moved a little and adjusted her baby girl, who was motionless, but breathing. She looked up at her husband and shrugged. “You happened. You made me see that no matter how horrible some parts of my life had been, there were amazing and beautiful things out there for me. Tommy, you forget what miracles we have already experienced. How many times did they tell you to give up on me and let me go? How many times did I face down my fears when attacked and come back to you? How many times did they tell us to terminate this pregnancy? How close did I come to losing you when you were in the car accident? How many times did we think Bill wasn’t going to make it?” She wiped her eyes and looked at their baby girl.

“You ask me how I can remain positive? How can I not?” She raised her voice back at him. “It kills me to hear you so defeated and so lost. You have always been my strength, Tommy, and if you don’t feel like you have any left, let me be yours. Tell me what you want.”

“I want her not to hurt anymore, but if we allow her to go, how will we ever stop hurting?” His voice cracked and Brittany let her tears continue as she listened to him get his thoughts out.

“Okay, I hear you, but I don’t know what you want me to say or do. Why don’t you take a minute out of the room? Go get some air, call Jack, get some perspective, anything you need.” She cried as she looked at him. “I just want to spend some time with Naomi. I need to know what to do.” She looked at her baby. “Please tell me, baby girl. Tell me what’s right.”

“Stop it,” Tommy said to her. “Stop trying to make this okay.”

“No, you stop it. You said your piece; now let me do what I need to do. Let me be with our daughter and you go do what you need to do.” She yelled at him and her voice was full of passion and intensity.

“Why? Why do you insist on protecting me from this?” He raised his voice again.

“How exactly am I protecting you from this? How is there any way for me to protect you from this? If you figure it out, please let me know, because I would give anything to not go through this.” She yelled back at him and suddenly there was a noise that neither of them recognized.

“What was that?” Tommy asked and Brittany stared at her daughter when suddenly something else happened.

“Tommy, come here,” she said excitedly.
”What?” He ran to her side.

“She peed all over me.” Brittany said and looked at him with tears streaming down her face.”

“She did? She went by herself?” Tommy asked.

“Well I didn’t do it?” Brittany laughed and looked as Naomi kicked her feet and let out the unfamiliar sound again. “She’s crying and she peed.”

Tommy shook his head. “I don’t believe it.”

“Did you get mad that mommy and daddy were yelling? You made yourself known little girl.” Brittany said and laughed through her tears. She grabbed her sheet as Tommy went to get the doctor. “You are my special baby girl sweet Naomi. You are my angel.” She kissed her soft head and let a sob escape her throat. “Please let this mean she is going to be okay.” She said to the sky. “Please let her live.”